Jeff Bezos


Incredible Billionaire Adventures

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The pandemic’s still going (and worsening), half the country’s on fire, and the other half’s alternating between floods and heat waves every other week. This as the backdrop for billionaires racing to recreate something the Soviets first accomplished (Sorry, Alan Shepard and John Glenn.) almost 60 years ago doesn’t say much for the free market’s ability to conquer space.

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Jeff Bezos’ Monopoly Spree

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Not only should Amazon be broken up, Jeff Bezos’ fortune AND his acutal physical form should be as well. This monster amassed even greater fortunes during the pandemic, while subjecting his employees to grinding in miserable conditions.

Eventually he and Elon Musk will monopolize enough of the world, that they’ll be the only two businessmen I have to know how to draw.

(panel 1 – Title above Jeff Bezos pushing a shopping cart containing Earth.)
Jeff Bezos’ Monopoly Spree
(panel 2 – Jeff Bezos with the MGM logo, with the lion replaced with Scabby the Rat.)
Bezos, “After acquiring MGM, I’m replacing their iconic lion with a union-busting scab.”
(panel 3 – Jeff Bezos dressed as James Bond, showing of a license to kill.)
Bezos, “Then casting myself as the next 007, with a license to kill small businesses.”
(panel 4 – Jeff Bezos with the Toxic Avenger.)
Bezos, “I’m also buying Troma Entertainment, and rebranding the Toxic Avenger as a champion of employee abuse.”
(panel 5 – Jeff Bezos at a storage unit with VHS tapes, film reels, and other old media.)
Bezos, “I even bought your home movie library, so you now have to subscribe to Prime to watch your precious memories!”
(panel 6 – Jeff Bezos blowing dust of the Sherman Antitrust Act of 1890.)
Bezos, “My latest purchase is the United States’ antitrust laws. They weren’t using them anyway.”

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2021 Valentine Cards

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Governors want you to go indoor dining on Valentine’s, so book your St. Paddy’s ICU while you’re at it.

A fun week to goof on Marjorie Taylor Greene, and eventually expel her, but basing the entire 2022 midterm campaign on “Q-Anon is crazy!” will get much worse results than actually passing a robust stimulus that puts dollars in voters’ wallets.

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Incredible Global News

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Conspiracy theories were less destructive before Weekly World News left checkout shelves. I loved reading that thing as a kid and I knew it was fake.

They recently came back thanks to crowdfunding, and I hope they succeed and eventually have me in their pages. It would be my greatest career achievement.

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A Cornucopia of COVID-19 Recipes

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I’ve been doing joke Thanksgiving recipes off and on for 19 years. This is the bleakest group yet. I live within 25 miles of my immediate family, and might see them masked and distanced in a yard as we exchange food we made in Tupperware. And I’m one of the lucky ones.

Stay safe so we can do this all over again for next month’s holidays.

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Meet Mike Bloomberg’s Biggest Fans

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Sharing a media market with most of New Hampshire’s population means I’m already bombarded with Tom Steyer’s faux-cornpone ads during every Bruins game. Now with Bloomberg’s $37-million ad buy, there’ll be no space to advertise everything else I’m also not buying.

I’m a sucker for pandering to the local audience, even though I haven’t been in a Boston area paper since the beginning of this decade.

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