Election Eve Tricks
Early voter turnout is at an all-time high in spite of Republicans’ voter suppression shenanigans, but they have one more trick up their sleeves.
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Republicans
Republican Stuntman Confronts His Fears
Republicans’ cruelty, greed, and ineptitude have been covered for years, with Tim Walz recently putting their weirdness in the national spotlight. But as the great political analyst Yoda once said, all this behavior originates from fear.
They are scaredy cats, whipping up their base of terrified suburbanites over imagined threats in order to win elections they know they can’t win on the merits. It would be one thing if they stayed in the bunkers while the rest of us live our lives, but they won’t rest until everyone’s as miserable as them.
I’d feel like I’m dating myself by referencing Evel Knievel or Super Dave, but Hot Rod came out this century, so I’m clinging to relevancy among the youths.
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Republicans’ Manual for Acting Normal
“Republicans are weird.” has gone mainstream after Kamala Harris bluntly stated this obvious fact. Previously, you’d only hear it in alt-weeklies, late night jokes, and all over social media because the mainstream media was too busy doing both-sides coverage to notice how divorced from reality Republican politicians have truly become.
Republicans are struggling to refute this simple line of attack because it is true. Their policies, demeanors, and general vibe are just plain weird. The RNC was a freak show celebrating it before it became a liability! Their attempts to point out Democratic weirdness so far have been focused on quirky individuals who are weird in the cool sense and have neither the desire nor power to impose their weirdness on others.
There are still three months before the election, which is a lot of time, but not long enough for these weirdos to stop being creeps.
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NBC’s Pundit Search
NBC hired former RNC chair Ronna McDaniel for a few minutes before rescinding the offer after employees and viewers voiced their disgust with having a coup-enabler on TV to lie about another election. The problem they and every other news outlet has is that there are no more mainstream Republicans who oppose doing another coup.
So they either have to point this out, or pretend the guy who’s been at the top of the Republican ticket for nearly a decade now is some weird aberration, instead of the standard-bearer of America’s fascist party. Presenting the fiction probably makes selling ads a lot easier.
Only a little more than six months for NBC and the rest of the media to figure out that both-sides-ing fascism won’t save them.
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Speaker of the House Auditions
Nine months after he barely squeaked into the speakership, Kevin McCarthy was ousted by the Ding-Dong Caucus. I was pleasantly surprised the Democrats didn’t bail him out for the sake of “norms, bipartisanship” or some other bullshit. McCarthy refused to make any concessions to earn that kind of unprecedented act and deserves to be the historical footnote he is.
More shutdowns and parliamentary brinkmanship are sure to ensue, but they were already going to under McCarthy. Best to make the Republicans flail around and demonstrate just how unfit for office they’ve always been.
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Republican Textbook Fair
My birthday and the long weekend almost coincide, so I’m getting this out early. Stores are already past back-to-school season and stocked with Halloween junk, but it’s still summer to me and my poor beleaguered air conditioners.
The attempts by Republican-led states to rewrite history seems laughable, but we got everyone to forget a pandemic that’s still happening, so anything’s possible.
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Republican Creature Features
I usually save the horror parodies for Halloween, but this summer’s news has been inviting them ahead of schedule. This usually is the time of year studios put out at least a few of their new spooky stuff in theaters so they can double-dip digital rentals in October.
McConnell froze up in the middle of a press conference a couple weeks ago, and I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. I’m going to be adding more gruesome ailments to my depiction of him and the fucker’s gonna outlive me; like some kind of mashup between the picture of Dorian Gray and the dude on the game Operation.
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Beware of the Speaker
As soon as Republicans squeaked out control of the House last November, I did a bunch of cartoons predicting this debt ceiling mess and ways to avoid it. Instead, the White House was high on their own supply and believed Republicans would magically become rational and not do the thing they campaigned on doing.
The solutions have been out there, being shouted by nobodies like myself, and “serious” people since the first time this happened during the Obama Administration. But arguments for the Trillion Dollar Coin and 14th Amendment hold little sway in a White House still enamored with the opinions of centrist toilet men.
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